Who Changes The Empty Toilet Roll?

It is a weird title but so true to my life. For over five years, I have found myself in the most strangest position at my place of work. Whenever I enter the ladies room, there lies an empty toilet roll dispenser and adjacent to that is a used roll of toilet paper. As a nurse in a hospital, I encounter many germs and and bacteria. The idea that someone would choose to handle an unplaced roll of toilet paper instead of replacing it in the dispenser is foreign to me. The roll would encounter more exposure to the environment that if used as designed. Perhaps, I have put too much thought on this issue. Maybe so, but each time I place the roll in its proper place. Its become a continuing gag whenever I enter the bathrooms of my institution. I am never disappointed to find that unraveled roll sitting on the sink or toilet. It seems to greet me upon each encounter.

The situation mirrors my life. What I believe is not what others believe. Given the same observations do not result in the same choice of actions. Interesting and puzzling. So often, what I observe to be a situation craving a resolution is not what others view. However, we can discern that everyone has a choice and its consequence.

In each family, there is someone who bears the responsibility. Naturally, you would think the role would be attributed to the head of household or perhaps the oldest. Not so for most of my peers. There's that old phrase that the chore becomes assigned to the one that does it first or oftem. There are no warnings that it becomes your sole responsibility.

In my family, I am the "fixer". The definition has broadened with my age. In my youth, I was the one who did it because things were handed down from one to the other. I did it to silence arguments or to lessen someone elses load.

I've tried to relingquish this title in my adulthood, but it sticks like glue. I am an adult with responsibilites of my own. I cannot fix everything as my brother in law once said. I have accepted this belief, but why can't others.

At this moment I have chosen that I am not the one to go around changing the toilet roll anymore. I only hope that someone else does that job that has been properly assigned.

Moving On

For almost two weeks, I have found myself stagnant. Pretty much difficult to start or complete anything. Now that my nephew is living with his father. Before then I was trying to raise my nephew in a way that seemed only to frustrate both of us. Most of my time was spent worrying or planning some way in which to reach him. Somehow what I experienced was heartache and frustration which presented in various states of illness. Giving of myself began to hurt. Neglecting myself had taken its greatest toll.

Now its quiet and I have more time to dedicate to me. I just have not been able to readjust myself into resetting my goals. I crave organization but cannot seem to get organized. Of course, insomnia aggravates my injured mind. Oops, excuse me a minute. There's an angry confused patient leading a nursing assistant down the hallway with the ties of his restraints.

Nursing seems to be the perfect profession in which to take care of others' needs. Okay, now where was I? Life is ever adventurous for a night intensive care nurse. For so long I have put others' needs before my own; be it family members, coworkers, or personal relationships. Now I am left to deal with my own issues. Frightening idea. Nothing to sidetrack me. I have planned to remove the old layers of wallpaper and repaint the walls while secretly hoping that someone would need my help. Procrastinating needed tasks such as paying household bills and cashing my seven day old paycheck. Sounds silly when you think about it. But its difficult to retrain my mind at this point.

A friend gave me the greatest gift of a book entitled, "Emotional Prisoner: Trapped Behind The Bars of My Thoughts" written by Jose Villegas. I can relate to the person he labels as the 'easy one'; one who put's everybody's needs first and theirs last. The author talks how he overcame various addictions by looking within himself. Sometimes the past conditions us to respond to certain situations by a behavior that can eventually be detrimental to ourselves. I see that now after looking at my various relationships. Whenever someone is in need, I'd offer my services neglecting whatever needs of my own. For example, my previous boyfriend needed money to pay some expense. I was elated to offer the money that I was supposed to pay my credit card bills. As a result, my credit report is less that satisfactory.

Today, I have a wonderful boyfriend named Greg. We've managed to learn alot from each other over the past couple of years. He encourages me to take care of my own needs and not to be taken advantage of by others. I hear what he is saying but have difficulty in putting it into practice. I feel guilty doing for myself as if I was selfish with no concern for others.

I've purchased several PDAs. Currently, I have a Pal Treo which is great because it's a phone and a PDA. Previous times, I programmed reminders for various appointments, bill payments, and tasks. Crazy me didnt acknowledge my own tasks but quickly remembered someone's birthday or wedding. At times my mind seems to enjoy doing things for others. Feelings of guilt dominate my psyche whenever I choose to do for myself. Thinking back on my childhood, I remember doing tasks assigned to my brother and sister. It made me useful to do for someone else. I've grown older and have found that I must take care of myself first.

It will be an interesting journey!. As I told others, my life is a huge pile of laundry. I keep saying that I'll take care of it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes. Looking at the huge pile of laundry is overwhelming. My solution? Well, I'm going to take one load at a time.

Substitute Parenting

Children begin by loving their parents.
After a time they judge them. Rarely,
if ever, do they forgive them.
Oscar Wilde

Remember when your class had a substitute teacher? You tried to pull gags and get over on her/him at every turn of the clock. Seemed like fun. I've come to think of guardians as substitute parents.

This can be frustrating when you are not sure of your audience or how to reach them. I've experienced quite a bit in the approximately two years of being a guardian to my nephew.

Too many substitutes can leave a child confused. My brother is the father of my nephew; however my father became my nephew's guardian at the age of five. My brother still resided in the same residence. My sister also shared in the raising of my nephew from a distance. As you can see, there have been many people involved in the raising of one child before I stepped into the role of legal guardian. You might think that I would have an abundance of notes and experience to review, but that isn't the case.

I've been left to stumble through trial and error. The books, counseling, journals and parenting magazines did not prepare me for my task. I understand that everybody teaches children differently and that most parenting is on the job training. I don't pretend to know how or what parenting was provided, but understand that I had different expectations. Education, respect and responsibility were my primary objectives.

Confidence in my parents teachings push me forward. I can always remember my father saying, "consequences...whatever your actions be aware of the consequences." But this is a different generation. What worked for me may not necessary work for others. So many of my peers can remember receving physical punishments, restrictions and endless conversations on doing the right thing. Why doesn't it work for today's youth.

Today, I am the substitute and my nephew is the class. The lesson is delivered and he recites what I say. Our session ends but what material has he retained and how can I be sure of my teaching methods?

Discipline

Today was much like most of my most dreadful ones. I learned that my nephew decided to state, in a written apology to a neighbor, that he had hatred for me. Why? Because he had been using her computer to access mature web sites and eBay. She became upset and banned him from her household. Previously, he had reconfigured their computer and crashed the system. He had been told not to use their computer but was allowed the use the computers in our home with supervision His apology included blaming her son and I for his misdeed. After all, why didn't her son remind him that he wasn't supposed to use the computer since the last time he corrupted the files. And I was to blame because he said that he could not use my computer because we had issues and of course he had hatred for me.

I'm not sure how to react, except with sadness and wonder. Misdeeds are treated with punishments that befit the offense. Is it right to hate the disciplinarian and blame your situation on others? When does accountability come into play. I knew that when I did something wrong, my Mom would find out and, oh boy, I would remember not to do that again.

I remember having various thoughts of how my Mom was wrong and how could she know what it was like to be a child. Yes, the world hate passed through my trembling lips from time to time. But I secretly knew that I was the one to blame. I would cry out to my Father about what had happened and he would ask, "What did you do?" Regretfully, I would tell him and he would say, "Well there you go.....".

I purchased a book titled Discipline Without Stress. Great book, but it went on to describe that the child must admit responsibilty for their actions. Once that occurs, the individual can then be led to a path which can change the behavior. An example was a child who was assigned to detention. The child became attuned to detention and began to think of it as something he could do standing on his head. He had not come to grips that the reason for his detention was for a misdeed or unwanted behavior.

Thus I am at an impass, punishments are viewed as unnecessary and just being mean. The acts of lying, stealing, and disrespect are not viewed as a problem by my nephew. He does not admit nor apologizes. So what does an exasperated guardian do? Off to counseling and the book store to find another method/program to learn how to interact with the youth of today.

Felicia Hairston
feshe@msn.com

This a picture of my nephew. Headstrong , defiant, intelligent 15 year old.

I became his guardian almost 2 years ago and it has been like the most grueling experience that I have ever encountered. Seems that the parents of todays children require books on Learning to Speak to Your Child, How to Remain Stress Free and a very large bottle of Motrin.

My nephew has convinced himself that he does not need help with anyone but his father. Ah his father, well he abandoned his son in search of a vacation from responsibilty via drugs. I've tried many ways of listening, asking, pleading, crying, obtaining counselers, buying books and parenting magazines all to no avail.

I've become concerned even more when he is commiting fraud on the internet. How can I convince him that I am not an old lady trying to guide him on the right path?

Greetings

Hi all!! Soon approaching the wonderful age of 41, I have found that some events of my life are just a bit too weird. I often wonder if others have experienced some of the same issues that have jumped in and out of my life. Paper journals are limiting, they hide secrets and do not offer feedback. Support groups are limited and so I decided to reach out into cyperspace to see if there are others that I can offer support and tell them that they are not alone.

My name is Felicia Hairston. I have survived the chaotic life of a child, a survivor of sexual abuse and now am the guardian of my nephew. As I talk to my friends and coworkers, I find that they share my experiences. Too often you feel alone and that you are the only one who is burden with life's crazy occurences. I hope that I can share and offer to support to all that read my blog. And I look forward to your support as well.