Who Changes The Empty Toilet Roll?

It is a weird title but so true to my life. For over five years, I have found myself in the most strangest position at my place of work. Whenever I enter the ladies room, there lies an empty toilet roll dispenser and adjacent to that is a used roll of toilet paper. As a nurse in a hospital, I encounter many germs and and bacteria. The idea that someone would choose to handle an unplaced roll of toilet paper instead of replacing it in the dispenser is foreign to me. The roll would encounter more exposure to the environment that if used as designed. Perhaps, I have put too much thought on this issue. Maybe so, but each time I place the roll in its proper place. Its become a continuing gag whenever I enter the bathrooms of my institution. I am never disappointed to find that unraveled roll sitting on the sink or toilet. It seems to greet me upon each encounter.

The situation mirrors my life. What I believe is not what others believe. Given the same observations do not result in the same choice of actions. Interesting and puzzling. So often, what I observe to be a situation craving a resolution is not what others view. However, we can discern that everyone has a choice and its consequence.

In each family, there is someone who bears the responsibility. Naturally, you would think the role would be attributed to the head of household or perhaps the oldest. Not so for most of my peers. There's that old phrase that the chore becomes assigned to the one that does it first or oftem. There are no warnings that it becomes your sole responsibility.

In my family, I am the "fixer". The definition has broadened with my age. In my youth, I was the one who did it because things were handed down from one to the other. I did it to silence arguments or to lessen someone elses load.

I've tried to relingquish this title in my adulthood, but it sticks like glue. I am an adult with responsibilites of my own. I cannot fix everything as my brother in law once said. I have accepted this belief, but why can't others.

At this moment I have chosen that I am not the one to go around changing the toilet roll anymore. I only hope that someone else does that job that has been properly assigned.

Moving On

For almost two weeks, I have found myself stagnant. Pretty much difficult to start or complete anything. Now that my nephew is living with his father. Before then I was trying to raise my nephew in a way that seemed only to frustrate both of us. Most of my time was spent worrying or planning some way in which to reach him. Somehow what I experienced was heartache and frustration which presented in various states of illness. Giving of myself began to hurt. Neglecting myself had taken its greatest toll.

Now its quiet and I have more time to dedicate to me. I just have not been able to readjust myself into resetting my goals. I crave organization but cannot seem to get organized. Of course, insomnia aggravates my injured mind. Oops, excuse me a minute. There's an angry confused patient leading a nursing assistant down the hallway with the ties of his restraints.

Nursing seems to be the perfect profession in which to take care of others' needs. Okay, now where was I? Life is ever adventurous for a night intensive care nurse. For so long I have put others' needs before my own; be it family members, coworkers, or personal relationships. Now I am left to deal with my own issues. Frightening idea. Nothing to sidetrack me. I have planned to remove the old layers of wallpaper and repaint the walls while secretly hoping that someone would need my help. Procrastinating needed tasks such as paying household bills and cashing my seven day old paycheck. Sounds silly when you think about it. But its difficult to retrain my mind at this point.

A friend gave me the greatest gift of a book entitled, "Emotional Prisoner: Trapped Behind The Bars of My Thoughts" written by Jose Villegas. I can relate to the person he labels as the 'easy one'; one who put's everybody's needs first and theirs last. The author talks how he overcame various addictions by looking within himself. Sometimes the past conditions us to respond to certain situations by a behavior that can eventually be detrimental to ourselves. I see that now after looking at my various relationships. Whenever someone is in need, I'd offer my services neglecting whatever needs of my own. For example, my previous boyfriend needed money to pay some expense. I was elated to offer the money that I was supposed to pay my credit card bills. As a result, my credit report is less that satisfactory.

Today, I have a wonderful boyfriend named Greg. We've managed to learn alot from each other over the past couple of years. He encourages me to take care of my own needs and not to be taken advantage of by others. I hear what he is saying but have difficulty in putting it into practice. I feel guilty doing for myself as if I was selfish with no concern for others.

I've purchased several PDAs. Currently, I have a Pal Treo which is great because it's a phone and a PDA. Previous times, I programmed reminders for various appointments, bill payments, and tasks. Crazy me didnt acknowledge my own tasks but quickly remembered someone's birthday or wedding. At times my mind seems to enjoy doing things for others. Feelings of guilt dominate my psyche whenever I choose to do for myself. Thinking back on my childhood, I remember doing tasks assigned to my brother and sister. It made me useful to do for someone else. I've grown older and have found that I must take care of myself first.

It will be an interesting journey!. As I told others, my life is a huge pile of laundry. I keep saying that I'll take care of it tomorrow but tomorrow never comes. Looking at the huge pile of laundry is overwhelming. My solution? Well, I'm going to take one load at a time.